An Open Euology to the Option ARM

If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!

My last post got me thinking about all the hearts that I have broken across the country as originators everywhere bemoan, nay mourn, the loss of their best friend the Option ARM. In the spirit of reconciliation with the originators that I have ridiculed, lambasted and lampooned I offer this eulogy in this time of great sorrow and loss.

A Farewell to My Dear Option ARM

It’s hard to articulate my feelings for my beloved friend Option ARM. You see OA wasn’t just any other loan product I had to sell, he was a special loan. He brought joy and happiness to so many people in my office and meant a great deal to me personally. I know you in attendance know OA well, but lets reflect on just some of the many wonderous qualities he had that made our job so special.

First and foremost, didn’t you love how he made you feel? How he made you laugh, high-five and smile ear to ear every time he’d pay you 3 points in rebate for encumbering another unwitting borrower? Didn’t you love being the envy of your office when he’d graciously attach himself to a million-dollar property; making you the big dick in the office and the superstar of the month. Didn’t you love the comfort of knowing you’d have a massive paycheck waiting for you? And didn’t getting your name on the top producer plaque make you feel validated, like you were good at what you do?

Didn’t you love how easy he made the sales? He was so accommodating, letting you sell him at 1.5% while every other LO was trying to sell some poor sap a 6.5% fixed rate loan? How could they compete? They couldn’t! It was a slam dunk! OA didn’t care if you had to tell a little white lie about him being fixed; and he didn’t care how well you explained his recast guidelines or payment change guidelines. He just wanted to help you out and get you paid – damn the rest of it. Didn’t you love being “generous” and offering no fees (or maybe just 1 point up front instead of the customary 3?) for this low payment loan? Didn’t you love the sound of intrigue in your ~~mark’s~~ borrower’s voice when you told them “1.5% with no points”? Good old OA, always making life easier, making sales easier. OA was the easiest sale in the book, he always cleaned up nice and you could present him in any way you wanted to; he was good like that.

And you can’t forget the love of the lifestyle OA provided you? OA was so giving, tens-of-thousands of dollars per loan, like manna from heaven. OA just opened up and gave you everything: the leased 325i, the rented condo, the expensive hair-cuts and fake tans and sunglasses, the expensive jeans and more expensive t-shirts. The $1,000 bar tabs and drug-fueled Vegas binges that all made life worth living. Heck if you really cozied up to OA he’d help you in to that $750,000 cookie cutter house you always dreamed about and he’d let you use his own loan terms for your property as well. He always took care of you, that was what I loved most about OA. He got you paid and let you live the life you deserved. Clothes, cars, money, drugs, booze – OA had his priorities right, and made sure you did too. And OA always appreciated how selfless you were with that money; you tipped well because you are a good guy.

Oh, Option ARM, how will we live with out you? It’s almost unbearable to think about it. You’ve meant so much to us, to our hair stylists and bartenders and drug dealers and gold-digging friends. You let us live a life of high-style and no substance and it was great. I will miss you dearly Option ARM, everyone in this room will. It is a sad day, and one that will not be forgotten. Option ARM and your 3 points, you were my hero, and you will always remind me that getting rich quick is not a myth, its a reality that really can happen. I’ll miss you my friend.